It’s been a tough couple of shifts, but nothing so incredibly out of the ordinary. But for some reason, I just felt so entirely flat when I got home last night. That’s a rare thing for me. In telling my wife about the day and trying to figure out what had me down, I kept circling back to a code we had in the morning. It was one we lost, but almost didn’t, which is always a bummer, but not something you can’t normally shake off. Afterwards, I was telling the other doc about the code, as the patient was well known to our department, in a sort of a nefarious way, one of those patients who was always difficult to make happy, always displeased about something. We made a joke or two to each other, about the patient losing their frequent flyer status. This was in private, between us, as a way to give a smile to a colleague who had just spent the better part of the last two hours throwing the kitchen sink at a patient to no avail. The mid-level sitting next to us said “God, you guys are so cold”. The comment rolled off me at the time, but I’m pretty sure that’s what has been eating at me. As I stated before, nothing hurts like being accused of not caring. I know that’s not what she was implying per se, and I know we need to be wary of our gallows humor. But still, it stung a bit. It probably would have been worse, except right at the end of the shift, while I was distracted by a phone call, a colleague slipped me a note “You were a real life saver today”. Ironic, because actually, I wasn’t. I was a life not saver, but it was the perfect thing at the perfect time.